Breaking Free from Toxic Relationships: Choose Yourself First

What are effective relationships?

Prominent psychologist and relationship guru John Gottman says that managing conflict and maintaining positive interactions—which includes having the ability to listen to one another talk about problems and reach a mutual understanding—are what make a relationship successful and not the absence of conflict. Gottmans’ research indicates that healthy relationships have the following characteristics:

1. 5:1 ratio: For every negative interaction, healthy couples have five positive ones. This balance helps maintain a positive emotional environment.

2. Bids for connection: Partners make and respond to small requests for attention, affection, or support, strengthening their bond.

3. Respect and admiration: Couples maintain a positive view of each other, focusing on strengths rather than flaws.

4. Effective repairs: After conflicts, successful couples make efforts to reconnect and resolve issues, preventing negative feelings from lingering.

5. Shared meaning: Partners create a shared sense of purpose, supporting each other's life goals and dreams.

Gottman emphasizes that successful couples build a strong "Sound Relationship House" with components like trust, commitment, and shared purpose. His definition focuses on the quality of interactions and emotional connection between partners rather than on specific behaviors or relationship structures.

Robert Sternberg, who has given the famous triangle of love theory, defines relationship counselling as a combination of one of the three components of love between two people, such as intimacy (feeling closeness, relatedness), passion (physical and sexual attraction), and commitment. These three components give rise to 8 different types of relationships. It ranges from Non-Love where none of the components exist in the relationship such as casual relationships or interactions, to a consummate love where all of the three components co-exist in the relationship and the pop culture usually calls it the unconditional love.

8 different types of relationships:

1. Nonlove- casual interactions without any feelings
2. Liking- Friendships where only the Intimacy component is present.
3. Infatuation- relationship with only passion characterised by primary feelings of lust.
4. Empty love- only commitment is present. Usually seen in arranged marriages.
5. Romantic love- intimacy and passion components are there but long-term commitments are still underway.
6. Companionate love- intimacy and commitment are present without passion. This relationship is much more than friendship but contain little to no sexual desire.
7. Fatuous love- relationship led by passion and commitment. This relationship develops fast without getting to know or understand each other so well and impulsively.
8. Consummate love- relationship characterized by all three forms of love.

Why are some relationships toxic?

It was as late as 1995, when people came to know about the existence of toxicity in loving relationships when Dr. Lillian Glass wrote her book “Toxic People” and coined the term toxic relationships. She defines a toxic relationship as one where:

1. There is a lack of support
2. There is conflict, competition, or disrespect
3. One person seeks to undermine the other
4. The relationship is consistently unpleasant and draining
5. Negative moments outweigh the positive ones

After going through all the different types of relationships and the criteria that make them a perfect and effective relationship, it is also important to understand what makes a good relationship into a failed relationship. The signs and symptoms of a toxic relationship are important to understand because a lot of the time, there is a very thin line between a relationship that is considered normal and toxic.

There are multiple reasons why a relationship becomes toxic.

1. Jealousy - when a couple is not able to trust each other and goes beyond the healthy boundaries of feeling jealous or envious. Due to mistrust, a partner can become controlling in some situations.
2. Lack of boundaries - a secure attachment has its roots in a healthy boundary, which is accepted and honoured by both partners. However, when one becomes unaffected by a partner’s boundaries and tries to invade their space it can become a toxic relationship.
3. Low self-esteem - when a person has low self esteem they come to believe that they deserve every wrong doing and so their expectations are low and self worth is also impacted.
4. Communication difficulties - the breaking point of a relationship is when communication between two partners fail. When both partners fail to listen to each other or find it difficult to discuss things with each other, then the relationship suffers.
5. Controlling behaviors - when a partner starts controlling other each other by being suspicious of each other and putting mechanisms in place to keep a check on the other partner then the relationship becomes toxic.
6. Lack of self-care - couples who don’t get time for themselves often end up feeling frustrated within the relationship and end up being burdened and burnt out.
7. Manipulation - one of the key reasons for a relationship to become toxic is the existence of manipulation within the relationship. If one partner constantly gaslights and makes the other partner feel overwhelmed and overworked. Then it becomes a toxic relationship based on lies and malice.
8. Unprocessed fear - in cases where a relationship involves an abusive partner, then having feelings of unresolved fear can foster a toxic relationship. Fear of being alone, fear of losing the relationship are all traits that make a relationship toxic.

How to identify toxic relationships

If you or your near and dear ones are in a relationship where they feel the relationship is becoming toxic, then look for these signs within your relationship to assess your situation.

1. Persistent unhappiness – feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety and resignation
2. Lack of respect and constant conflict
3. Lack of empathy shown by partner
4. Competitiveness and jealousy
5. Financial and social control
6. Raising concerns and having them minimised, or dismissed
7. One person having to sacrifice their needs to keep the other happy
8. Lack of safety in the relationship
9. Constantly being judged for everything
10. Existence of abuse of any form, shape and size. It can be emotional, physical, sexual, or financial abuse in nature.

Recall that sometimes actions taken in a relationship out of love can coincide with symptoms of a toxic relationship. The regularity with which the aforementioned events occur in your life however is an important consideration here. In addition consider whether the actions you and your partner are taking in the relationship are motivated by love or by personal fears animosity or malice.

Strategies for escaping unhealthy partnerships

1. Admit the relationships toxicity and that it is detrimental to your health.
2. Seek assistance: If you need emotional support or direction dont hesitate to reach out to dependable friends family or professionals. Its critical to have a solid support network when ending a toxic relationship.
3. Establish boundaries: Be explicit and firm in communicating your limits. Inform the other individual of the actions you deem inappropriate as well as the repercussions for persisting with them.
4. Establish a safety plan: If there's a chance of abuse, come up with a plan that involves putting money aside, locating a secure location to stay, and preparing emergency people.
5. Disengagement gradually: Reducing contact with the toxic partner gradually may work well in certain situations to help you get out of it. By using this strategy you can cope with the change on an emotional and practical level.
6. Seek expert assistance: You might want to think about consulting with a therapist or counselor who can offer advice on how to get out of the relationship boost your confidence and create new healthier patterns of communication.
7. Emphasis on personal development: Make the most of this chance for introspection and education. To prevent such circumstances in the future recognize the causes of the toxic dynamic and focus on your personal development.

Remember that it can be difficult to end a toxic relationship because of emotional attachment loneliness fears or the belief that the other person will change. It's critical to stick with your choice and never forget that you deserve to be in relationships that are supportive and healthy. Be kind to yourself as you go through this process healing takes time. Don't be afraid to ask for more help or resources if you're having trouble letting go. Prioritizing your well-being is crucial for building a happier healthier life.